Massachusetts Agricultural College,
JAN 6s 1920
The Squib sea
VOL. 4, NO. 1
DEUEL'S DRUG STORE
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Gem Junior Safety Razor, One Dollar
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FOUNTAIN PENS, TOOTH BRUSHES AND A GREAT VARIETY OF TOILET ARTICLES
Where they serve the best food
and best banquets
PHELPS & GARE
112 Main Street, Northampton, Mass.
"Massachusetts Men" welcome to look over
our stock at any time.
TEN TESTED RULES FOR CAMOUFLAG-
1. When the Frosh arrives at the house
everybody should make a dive for his hand as
though he were t lie first human being seen for
2. Herd him into a corner and begin on the
"wonderful scenery of the Connecticut valley."
(Jive him hell if he hasn't been to Mt. Tom (J
3. Approaching the subject gradually, drop a
word about Hamp and Dickies. Speak casually
of "suds" and "foam."
4. Mention the possibilities of "bear parties"
with "Janes over the mountain".
.3. It would be well for a couple of Seniors to
pull off a rough house here.
(i. Hum the makins'.
?. Inculcate respect for the Profs, in him by
referring to them as "Squirt, Hay-face, Lefty",
5. After spilling cider on him, someone should
sell him a cleaning and pressing ticket.
!). Have three men previously instructed offer
to do his M,.th., Public Speaking, and Annie Hus.
10. BE SURE to ignore him completely the
Merrit & Clark
Are you ready for Christmas week evening
festivities? How about the evening suit?
The correct models are here and your size
is here. We don't have to sell these suits,
they sell themselves. The mirror is our
We also have a new and snappy line of
Neckties and Scarfs
CO-OPERATE WITH THE BOARD AND PATRONIZE THE ADVERTISERS
He: Will you bet?
She: I'll bet a kiss.
His True Friend: And I'll hold the stakes.
CO-EDS, co-eds, tall and stout,
At the wax treads all turn out,
Strive to keep an even keel,
While we harrow in corn meal.
IONxV: "Say, old top, where is a good laundry
to send my army shirt?"
Saxon: "Laundry! Grow up! You don't send
a drill shirt to a laundry. Brush it when it
OWED TO THE TELEPHONE GIRL
THE telephone girl sits still in her chair
And listen to voices from everywhere,
She hears campus gossip, she hears all the news,
She knows who has passed and who has the blues;
She knows all our sorrows, she knows all our joys,
She knows every co-ed who is chasing the boys;
She knows of our quizzes, she knows of our strife,
She knows every Prof, who is mean to his wife.
She knows every time we are hitting the booze,
She knows the amount we can afford to lose;
She knows every co-ed that has a dark past;
She knows every man that is inclined to be fast;
In fact there's a secret 'neath each saucy curl
Of that quiet, demure-looking telephone girl.
Old Mother Hubbard went to the cupboard,
To get her a stylish dress,
But when she got there,
The cupboard was bare,
So she made quite a hit, I guess. — Tiger
DEEP, VERY DEEP
CLARENCE: "Really, those German soldiers
must be very cowardly."
Claire: 'Why, I understood that they were
very brave sometimes."
Clarence: "Well, this Springfield paper reports
that after the Battle of the Somme, there were
over 2,000 treated in the rear by the Red Cross."
BUT THEN THE KAISER IS LIVING ALSO
EMON: "O please come over to my dance
*-^ on the ninth?"
Reluctant: "Er — I — that — is — I must play
basketball in Springfield that night.
Supposed Frat. Brother: "Say, old man, that
game has been called off."
GENT: "Have you an accident policy?"
Junior: " Yeh, never argue with an Amherst
BRIGHT Youth: "Let's go down to the
Music for lunch."
Just the same: "Whassat, down to the drug
Bright Youth: "Down to the vile Inn."
STUDENT in Economics going through the
Town Laundry: "I wonder why they call
this machine a mangle?"
Wiser Won: "Gee, Bo, I guess you never send
anything to the Co-op."
THERE'S A REASON
SOLDIER back for a visit. "I hear you have
fine board over to the hash-house."
Victim: "Yeh, but they, have cut out sugar for
the cereals now."
CO-ED: "No! no! you can't come up yet, I've
Frosh Fusser: "Well, slip on something and
So she slipped on a banana skin inadvertently
left by an inmate of Draper and came down.
AS related by one of the girls, "And what do
you think, just as she was coining out of
Draper Hall, she slipped and fell and I bet it
bruised her somewhat."
MAGAZINE Trust Proved Unlawful. "-
Head-line Boston Newspaper.
Therefore, you see why we can't sell Squibs
A FRESHIE had a fancy vest,
■**' He wears that vest no more,
For what he thought was H 2
Was H 2 S0 4 . —Punch Bowl
ARRIAGE is a lottery.
Not with these cob-webby clothes now
PHIL: "Nothing can exist without money!"
M. T. : "You're mistaken, my good man."
Phil: "Sir, how dare you!"
M. T.: "Didn't you ever hear of the Mass.
Fellow-" May I kiss you?"
Girl— 'Why, don't you know kissing affects
Fellow— "Is that so? Let's go crazy."
AT THE TABLE
Do you know anything about camouflage?"
No, I never eat foreign cheeses."
THE OATS ARE SOWN
Father (sternly) — ■" My son, I would rather
see you dead than to see you take your first
Son (with tears in his eyes) — •" Father you
never will." — Chaparral
THE FROSH IN LOVE WITH THE HOME
First Week — My Own Dearest Darling Ducky,
Sweet Little Bunch of Love.
Second Week — -My Ownest Dear Longed-for
Third Week — -My honeybunch little girl.
Fourth Week — -My Dearest Hazel.
Fifth Week— My Dear Hazel,
Sixth Week — Dear Hazel.
Seventh Week — Dear Miss Nutt.
Eighth Week — -You Poor Nutt. — Chaparral
'20 — I want to enroll in the tenth regiment.
Recruiting Officer — Why that regiment?
'20 — I want to be near a friend of mine. He's
in the eleventh. — Orange Peel
SCAR: "Did you pass Analyt?"
Rudolf: "No, sober."
PUBLISHED AT MASSACHUSETTS AGRICULTURAL COLLEGE
L. P. MARTIN '20
C. BUNKER '20
D. C. DOUGLAS '20
S. B. FERRISS '19
$1.25 A YEAR
QUID AGIS AGE AGGIE"
15 CENTS A COPY
All contributions should be addressed to the Editor-in-Chief. They will be given credit in the
annual elections to the board. Business communications should be addressed to the Business
Manager 11 North College.
Entered as second-class matter January 31, 1916 at the post office at Amherst, Mass.
QUIBBY is once more on the
old campus again. Many
of you didn't know we
were around and we didn't
ourselves until the night
before last. Well, here we
are and we extend a greet-
ing and welcome to all the
the freshmen and co-eds.
SQUIBBY regrets that so
many faces are missing
from the campus this year,
but when we look over
Aggie's honor roll we are
filled with pride and are
able to look into the near
future and see old Bill's doom. We have our reporters in the various camps about the country and
in France and as soon as anything happens we will get our wire, so keep in touch with us and watch
the bulletin board in the office.
The little Lady at the beginning of this book is a fair sample of what every Aggie man in the
service is leaving behind him "Over Here". Many are those over the river and over the mountain
who are sitting and dreaming of "Over There", but realizing little what this all means. We are
"Over Here" boys, fighting hard to keep things moving, but "Over There" they are fighting harder
yet to keep greater things moving. Why not make a pleasant evening for our men in the trenches
by sending them a SQUIB? If you have a friend anywhere in the service, don't forget to get an
extra copy and forward it to him, or leave fifteen cents at the office with an address and we will do
the rest. At the same time you are also prolonging the life of SQUIBBY.
SQUIBBY is hard hit by the war as well as everybody else. Our own little service flag is
pretty well filled and we expect to add a few more stars in a short time. This brings numerous vacan-
cies on the board to the attention of those men in college, especially the freshmen. If looks count,
there sure is some funny stuff in '21 and SQUIBBY wants you. We have places in all departments
for all classes and will be glad to see any competitors at any time.
SQUIBBY takes this opportunity to wish all A Merry Christmas and A Happy New Year.
E. F. GUBA '19
Contributors to this issue
M. N. WELLS '19
F. K. HAINES '18
N Doc Gordon's Zoo lecture.J^" Aj^single fly
will produce 2000 offspring."
"Good gracious," murmured one of the co-eds,
and think of the married ones."
TWAS Adeline who broke her leg,
The thought of treatment shocked her,
So she phoned for absent treatment,
By a Christian Science Doctor.
\X^HY is it that Billy numbers all the students
™ * in his classes?
Probably so that they can be identified after
HOW THE INSECTS KNOW EACH OTHER
Title of "Literary Digest" article
UNDOUBTEDLY by their skull-caps and
E*ROM the woods a young man named Lew-
Brought a nice striped cat to his dwellyn,
His poor wife wasn't wise,
So she said in surprise,
"I wonder what's round here that's smellynr"
"l)E kind and courteous to your neighbor; if
*-* he is in difficulty, help him!" From
Dean Fenn's sermon.
Don't hold too literally to this, '20, or Billy
will help you out by a one way ticket to Boston.
IN THE SOUTHERN PART OF LORRAINE
NEWCOMER: Say, how do you purify this
water to make it drinkable?
Veteran: Why first we boil it; then filter it;
and then we drink beer.
WHAT IS IT?
>-ED: "I don't care! Draper Hall is just
like a convent."
Frosh: "O say, there must be some difference."
Co-Ed: "No, Nun there is Nun!"
E: "Is this Miss Co-ed?"
She: "It is."
He: "May I take you to the next Informal?
She: "Oh certainly. Who is this please?"
FAIRBANKS: "That green waiter did the
natural thing, the other night."
Fairbanks: "He saw Billy at the head of the
table and dropped the course."
OVERHEARD IN MARKET GARDENING
^THOMPSON (exhibiting squash): This is a
* marble head. I succeeded very well in
getting a good marble head.
He — "I would like to propose a little toast."
She — "Nothing doin' kid! I want a regular
meal." — The Widow
IN A HURRY
He— "Well, I must be off!!"
She — -"Yes, I noticed that the first time we
met." — Awgwan
Guff — "So you don't write to Priscilla any
Goof — "Naw. I wrote her three letters and
she didn't answer — so I broke off the corres-
pondence." — Texas Longhorn
Senior — I would kiss you if you weren't in
Co-ed — Sir! Take me ashore immediately.
— Orange Peel
DUMB Waiter: "What have you been waiting
for? A second?
Waiting: "No, for about an hour."
She — Don't you think that Myrtle looks ugly
in that ultra low-cut dress?
He — Not as far as I can see. — Jester
CUB: "The deep and tumbling torrents of the
deep poured over the ruined edifice."
Prof. Neal: "What was that?"
Cub: "The storm washed away one of the old
'LEVER '20 man: "Hey Frosh, look at your
nose and see what time it is.
Frosh: "Look at your own; mine isn't running."
j'USSER: "Dearest, you are the goal of my
Mt. Holyoke: "Fifteen yards for holding."
NOT A SELF-STARTER
CLOUDY Inn-keeper: "Whassa matter, don't
my breakfasts been Appetizing?
Thin Boarder: "Yes indeed, I can go right
over to the next place and eat a full meal."
CHEM.: I see the old Doc don't talk to him-
self quite so much lately."
History: "Well, he squeezed his finger in the
door and is sore at himself."
'//^>& /S r-r?<c7
c/<S> . /*~/Grm/7->oS/y
,/ Ooc>^> Si.
*Ji?c?£r £2a<uy /~//<&s y ; ''"Cv->o Ci^/ccc'O ro
77->e &/-CC7r £)fc>/osfOr? o/ /Vq/"-J<S>
THE COUNT ft 7
The Senior Show Was Pretty Good-But "Oh, Boy"-WAIT FOR THE FACULTY VAUDEVILLE
PLEASE MARION, JUST ONCE
"No, George, I won't Think if mother saw
"Oh please, Marion, she'd never see."
"Well, somebody would, and besides it's
"Yes, but it's awful nice."
"Dear George, don't lets talk about it. I'd
like to but I don't think a girl should."
"Please, Marion, just once. I know you'd
like it too."
"Yes, but if I did once, you'd want to again
and it isn't nice."
"Marion, you're so wonderful I have just got
to. I bet if I get shot you will wish you had."
"Well then, George, just this once we'll play
golf on Sunday morning but never again."
— Pnrple Cow
Brown has a lovely baby girl,
The stork left her with a nutter,
Brown named her "Oleomargarine"
For he hadn't any butter.
—Penn State Froth
Sympathetic Old Lady — "You must find those
soldier suits very hot."
R. O. T. C— "I do, but it's uniform heat."
"What did you say your age was?" he re-
marked, between dances.
'Well, I didn't say," smartly returned the
girl, "but I've just reached twenty-one."
"Is that so?" he returned consolingly, "What
— Punch Bowt
The French General-
The English General-
'Who's that nut over
Sh ! That's an Ameri-
— Purple Cow
THOSE PLATTSBURG COMMANDS
" C'IRE at Will," cried the captain as he noticed
* the Kaiser in the enemies' lines.
"Sound Off" commanded the irritable old
gentleman as he ordered the organ grinder from
his door yard.
"Order Arms" cried the man who had his arms
shot away, to the inquiring waiter in the restau-
"Dismiss the company" said the bored cap-
tain to his wife as he left the parlor and went
"I'se left" said the colored trooper after the
rest of the company had been shot down.
"Present Alms" said the beggar to the lady
at the back door.
"Clothes on first Company" observed the
major as he looked at the soldiers' uniforms.
"Take your Post" said the major giving back
the Saturday weekly to the private.
NEWS items from the stenogs: "The basket-
ball team is showing fine form.
OENIOR: 'What d'ye mean, wearing those
**J two stars on each shoulder?"
Frosh: "I saw a Junior with them on this
morning and I thought they looked awfully
— Trench and Camp
MAY HAVE BEEN MARKS ANGELL
CHARGE! "shouted the Plattsburger Colonel.
"Oy yoy, no! I want cash."
NAY, nay, Angeline, the Infantry Drill Regu- SOMETHING CROOKED ABOUT THIS
lations contain no Helpful Hints for the /% P11 ^ 111M rr .<tt ,t <• t ,
Young Mother. CERGEANT: "Hey there, frosh, what's the
**J idea of crossing your legs when I say ' Atten-
Frosh: "Why I distinctly heard you say to
keep my knees together."
MORE WAR THAN POETRY
IN a short and naughty poem
^ When a line ends with "well"
You always can be certain that
The last line ends with "hell".
"Well, I see your girl sent you her picture."
" Yeh, what do you think of her?"
"Er — there are not many fellows in your
town are there?"
— Perm State Froth
ON December 12, Col. Wilson was noticed
walking around the campus in civilian
clothes. Immediately a member of the Sqtiib
rushed over to the Massachusetts War Board
at the Drill Hall, and breathlessly asked the
non-commissioned officer in charge, "Col. Wilson
is in disguise! Why is it?"
"Sh! Sh!" replied the Sarge. "That's the
All excitement, out came our note-book and
pen, and we waited expectantly. "Chinese
Situation?" we asked.
'Yes. Col. Wilson's last clean uniform hasn't
come back from the Chink's."
MOVIES OF A SENIOR TRYING
SENIOR: "I'm through with Bill; the bum
called me a bare-faced liar."
She: "How horrid of him, and you have such
a distinguished moustache.
TO PRODUCE AfLITTLE DOWN
She — "Moustaches seem to be quite in favor
He — "Yes, they always did tickle the girls."
— The Widow
THE SENIOR SHOW
STUDENT: "Now you will see more excitement
for $1.00 than you ever received before
for the money."
Alumni: "Oh, I don't know, that's all my
marriage license cost me."
A MUSTACHE may enhance the looks of
some of the Seniors, BUT, even they must
admit that it makes their conversation rather
— The Widow
OLD Mother Hubbard,
Went to the cupboard,
For a bone for her dog Tray.
When she got there the cupboard was bare,
And the pup had his first meatless day.
MR. RAND: Are you acquainted with Milton?
Frosh: You can't kid me, prof. Milton
HEARD AT DEUEL'S
WILLIE '20: "How does it happen you came
here to Amherst College? I thought
your father was an Aggie man."
Woolie '21: "He was. He wanted me to go to
Aggie. I wanted to go to Dartmouth. We had
an argument and he finally told me to go to
Hell. So here I am."
'WAS a mariner ancient said, "Say
Stick around and get wise to my lay!
Shot a bird for a joke,
Saw my ship-mates all croak,
Now I give to the S. P. C. A."
THE LULU BIRD SAYS:
IT takes sand to propose, but rocks to marry.
Just because a tack can stand on its head all
day, don't think that you can!
An apple a day will keep the doctor away.
An onion a day doesn't discriminate.
NOT ENOUGH HEADWAY!
FROSH: "Gee, that Pomology Prof, is
isn't he? I wonder, does he catch
from the Bald-ones?"
Senior: "Nay, nay, little one; he gets
from pulling these tight shirts over his head."
JANITOR of North College: "Hey, there was
a man found suffocated down in the tele-
phone booth this morning."
Janitor: "Oh those operators were on a vaca-
tion or something and he couldn't get Ayer
ALWAYS FOR THE BEST
Candies, Ice Creams
247-249 MAIN STREET NORTHAMPTON
nOOM-MATE: "Say, wife, may I borrow
*^ your shoes to go fussing?"
Wife: "Yeah, but why the formality?"
Mate: "Well, I couldn't find them."
W^USSEH: "How's business:"
■■-* Cafeteria Llave: "licking up."
PIRST Stude: "What's the big idea, of that
* old fellow at the bar with a bandage over
' Why I'll tell you. You see the sight of a
glass of whiskey makes his mouth water and
he doesn't want to dilute it."
OVERTIME STRAINS EYES
Overtime will be sure to injure your eyes — increase
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We specialize on prescription filling — on exactness
and highest grade of work.
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201 Main Street Opposite City Hall
Northampton, Mass. Telephone 184-W
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STUDENT F URNITURE
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E. D. MARSH EST.
Is the leader in altering clothes
cleaning and pressing at reasonable prices
Pressing Ticket System
$1.50 — 4 suits and 2 pairs of trousers
Tel. 36-M Post Office Block, Main St.
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Since then, electricity has sent its thrill
through the whole structure of life.
Eager to turn wheels, to lift and carry,
to banish dark, to gather heat, to hurl
voices and thoughts across space, to
give the world new tools for its work
— electricity has bent to man's will.
Throughout this period the General
Electric Company has held the great
responsibilities and high ideals of
It has "given tangible form to inven'
tion, in apparatus of infinite precision
and gigantic power:
.And it has gone forth, cooperating with
every industry, to command this unseen
force and fetch it far to serve all people.
By the achievements which this com-
pany has already recorded may best
be judged the greater ends its future
shall attain, the deeper mysteries it
yet shall solve in electrifying more
and more of the world's work.
GENERAL ELECTRIC; COMPANY
GIVE THESE MERCHANTS A CHANCE
QENIOR Athlete: "Yes, you know when I
^ was a frosh, the Phys. Director told me
that if I didn't cut the Cigs. I'd become an idiot."
Girl: "Well, why didn't you?"
BUY YOU R
A. W. HAMLIN
Regular Visits Made at the Dorms
and Fraternity Houses
It is better to
Done by Us than
to wish you
Excelsior Printing Company
Printing — Enlxng — Sinbtng
North Adams, Mass.
Sanderson & Thompson
THE HOME OF
Hart, Schaffner & Marx Clothes
and Fine Furnishings
Prices Always Reasonable
SANDERSON & THOMPSON
[ HAD a slice of white meat
* i\.nd a slab of dark meat too
Cranberry sauce was slipped to me
It looks like dark red glue.
I bolted then a drumstick
And nibbled at a wing
Then bit into the gizzard
At the liver took a fling.
I stuffed myself with stuffing
Of potatoes ate a peck
Then went back to the turkey
And chewed upon its neck.
I gobbled turnips, squash and "sweets"
And celery and pies
Ice cream and nuts helped me fill up
Completely to my eyes.
They call the day Thanksgiving
But listen here — Hooray!
The reason I'm now thankful is
That I'm alive today.
A good line of
Mutual Plumbing & Heating Co.
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The Elms Restaurant
THIRD (AMP EXAMINATION
Where Quality and Quantity Dwell
W Applicant: "Bill."
Off.: "Your surname, please. I've got to file
Try our dinner and supper specials
it, you know."
App.: "Short. But if you file it, it will l>e
E. G. DILL, Prop.
Off.: "You were born?"
App. : " Yes sir! "
Off.: "I mean what year were you born in?"
App.: "Upstairs, in the front room."
n r a i t\ r\
Off.: "No, no! I mean in what town. In
R F Arm^trnnor ft B \nn
the U. S.?"
III !■ HMIIOIIUNg (X UUM
App.: "Nq. In Amherst."
Off.: "Now, do you realize what we are fighting
App. : No sir.
Off.: "I thought so. Well, I'll tell you. We
are fighting for democracy. That great and
w o n d e rf u 1
App. is edging toward the door.
Nnkntear for (Efjnatmaa
Off.: "Where are you going?"
App.: "Out. I'm a Republican."
Off.: "That makes no difference. Now as re-
Neat Classy Ties for Father
gards your physical fitness. Got any scars on
Snappier Ones for Brother
App.: "No sir. But there are some cigarettes
over there in my coat."
Knit Scarfs for Sister
Off.: "Well, are you able to walk any distance
without giving out?"
A])]).: "I should say so. Why, last April
Fool's Day, I was in fine condition after a March
of thirty-one days."
Off.: 'Well, you seem to be bothered with
80 Main Street Northampton, Mass.
App.: "Oh, no. That's only Bone-dust."
Off.: "Remember that we allow no whiskey
App.: "Well, I guess when the moon-shines
we will have whiskey-still."
Off.: "You can see the condition of the German
Navy. They have every kind of booze now."
App.: 'Yeah, but they stick to Port rather
Off. : " You are cautioned not to waste anything.
Russia is penniless now because of her failure in
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ALL KINDS OF SEA FOOD
App. : "() well, before Bolsheviki, she was
Special Dishes at All Hours
And the band played "On to Plattsburg."
R. J. RAHAR, Prop.
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American and European Plans Special Attention to Banquets
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Main Studios: 1546-48 BROADWAY
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